April 22, 2006

True Comic Book Clerk Stories #5

during a particularly grueling Wednesday (two kids called out sick, the bastards), i went out to the floor to argue with a co-worker (we'll call him "Kris") about his handling of some ridiculous thing that i can't even remember now. we argued for a little while when we suddenly hear some yelling from the main floor. we turn to see two customers engaged in what looks to be a fistfight. "Kris" and i run off the staricase (where we were arguing) to the floor in an attempt to separate the two men. we succeed, with a little help from our British co-worker. two of the owners escort the two men outside, and at least one of them is banned forever.

the comedy in this comes from what i learned after the fact. the customer who apparently started the fight, whom we'll call "Mason," was in front of the rack of new books. the other customer, whom we'll call "Benny," tried to repeatedly grab a book that "Mason" was in front of, saying excuse me repeatedly. "Mason" continued to elbow "Benny" out of the way, until finally, "Mason" snapped and grabbed "Benny's" collar, and then tried to punch him (this was all learned from other customers in the vicinity). "Benny," who was taller than "Mason" and apparently an amateur boxer, belted "Mason" on the bridge of the nose before we were able to separate them. this is funny because i think we inadvertantly saved "Mason" from an extraordinary beat down. "Benny" most likely would have dismantled "Mason," who really just picked a fight with the wrong guy. And all over a reprint of Batman.

afterwards, "Kris" and i apologized to each other because of our argument and hugged, if only to avoid another bout of fisticuffs.

thecomicman spoke @ 07:25 PM |

Erincon Day 1: Retiring Undefeated and Calling Bullshit

after months and months of practice rounds with N. (in which i let him win in order to boost his self-confidence), N. and i had our first (and only) official Naruto* video game match. i chose Rock Lee (because he rocks) and N. chose Shikamaru (the lazy son of a bitch). the first round was to Rock Lee, who had opened both gates and used his special move to destroy Shikamaru as he could not be bothered to remove his hands from his pockets. the second round i gifted to N., so that he would not be totally destroyed. Shikamaru was coaxed into taking his hands out of his pockets and throwing some knives or something. in the third round, after some well placed kicks and punches, Rock Lee once again opened the gates and destroyed Shikamaru. N. was so devastated, his fragile psyche exploded into a million pieces. i was forced to put it back together so that Erin would not be sad using my super-awesome mind-putting-back-together skills. after this, i retired from the Naruto world circuit, undefeated. now N. must play the young turks coming up from the ranks and hope he can best them for a shot at the title.

immediately after N.'s most embarassing defeat, we decided to play a game of Apples to Erin (TM). at one point in the game (once it became apparent my awesomeness was not confined to Naruto and putting back together minds), everybody else decided words didn't actually mean what they did. so to those people, i have this to say: banana goat carburator strawberry alarm clock Homer! so take that.

* i'm not that far into the series Naruto, so i have no idea what these special moves are called.

thecomicman spoke @ 05:44 PM |

April 21, 2006

True Comic Book Clerk Stories #4

"So, no shit, there I was." -- N.

actually, there was shit. quite a lot of it.

a customer came in to the store and asked one of the owners, whom we shall call "Bob," if he could use the employee bathroom because man he really had to go. so "Bob" said yes and the guy went in. about ten minutes later, one of my co-workers accidentally walked in on the man and we all had a good chuckle on account of it. the customer had forgotten to lock the door. in the middle of our chuckling, however, those of us nearest the employee restroom were bombarded with this god-awful smell. Halifax commented that it was the worst smell of all time, and he had smelled some pretty awful smells. in an attempt to get away from the smell, i went to the back of the store to tell my co-workers back there about what was going on up front. in the middle of my telling, the smell crawled and slithered its way to the back, and all my co-workers now knew fear.

my God, man! what unholy beast was making its way out of this poor man's bowels!?

on the pretext of telling my upstairs co-workers of what was transpiring down below, i ran up the staircase as fast as my hairy chicken legs would carry me. once up there, i told my British co-worker of the foul undertaking, when the smell reached us up there! dear God in Heaven! what was this monster that could infest an entire retail space with its noxious fumes!?

at this point, "Bob" called me back to the front of the store. fearing how bad the odor had gotten nearest the employee restroom, i armed myself with a box of matches and began striking them as i moved closer and closer to that most horrid dwelling place.

after about forty-five minutes (that is nearly an hour, dear reader), the customer came out of the restroom, "like a new man, fit and lean," and sheepishly whispered in "Bob's" ear. then he left. "Bob" went into the restroom and discovered, as he later told us, that the foul beast that crawled out of the man's rectum (Golgotha, i presume) had exploded upon the floor, walls, and ceiling (et tu, plaster tiles which hide the electrical wiring?). "Bob" did most of the heavy cleaning, and asked one of my co-workers to come after him with the most powerful anti-bacterial we could find.

Halifax, who had grown a full head of hair and then shaved it off again in the interim, remarked that no other customer would be allowed into the employee restroom ever again.

thecomicman spoke @ 05:06 PM |

April 20, 2006

Man-Faye

i'm watching last night's Jay Leno (i DVRed it because super cute Krisitn Chenoweth was on the show), and they do this special report thing on Stan Lee's Be a Super Hero show. there was an open audition in LA and the guy is interviewing prospective super-heroes and whatnot, and all of a sudden, Man-Faye shows up! fucking Man-Faye! that's crazy! apparently, Man-Faye would like to be a super-hero.

thecomicman spoke @ 03:16 PM |

April 17, 2006

On My Apparent Girlyness

inner me: ...seriously? we're talking about this so the world can see?
me: well, yeah.
inner me: alright, but if you get called gay, i'm outta here.
me: you fucking homophobe.
inner me: hey, gay people are cool. some of my best friends--
me: just shut up. you're embarassing me.
inner me: i'm embarasssing you!? you fucking jackass, you're the one who wants to talk about how much of a girl you are.
me: oh, just fuck off.
inner me: i'm sorry, do you have to comb Barbie's hair now?
(me choking inner me)

yeah, i'm kind of a girl. i have a high-pitched scream that gets used whenever i get scared or hurt (which is fairly often), i collect dolls (no, not the action figures [those are action figures; not dolls], but the Pinky: St dolls, which are super cute [ask ET or Halifax]), and i find quite a few men ridiculously attractive. Sammie says its super okay for me to be girly, as long as i turn on the manliness when it counts (like when jars need opening or the Jets are playing). and, as has been said before, i need to be part-girl in order to make sure Sammie's part-gayness doesn't wander off.

so yeah, i'm kind of girly. if you have a problem with this, you are quite welcome to go fuck yourself.

inner me: ...pussy.
me: oh for fuck's sake.

thecomicman spoke @ 12:23 AM |

True Comic Book Clerk Stories #3

(phone rings)
me: Midtown, how can i help you?
Harlan Ellison: Hi, this is Harlan Ellison out in LA.
me: uh, what can i do for you?
Harlan Ellison: (laughter) I thought that would have garnered more of a response.
me: well, i didn't want to geek out over the phone, so...
Harlan Ellison: (more laughter) That's okay; I like it when people geek out.
me: well, okay then, holy cow! you're Harlan Ellison!

this happened a month or two back, but i'm slow at the posting. also, i know there are a lot of stories about how angry and seemingly insane Harlan Ellison is, but he was very nice and considerate and sane over the phone as he ordered two trades that he said he was going to donate to a library. just so you know.

thecomicman spoke @ 12:08 AM |